I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
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You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.