We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
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M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.