Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
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Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
This is hilarious….
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.