*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
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36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.