doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
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I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.