overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
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i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP: