I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
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DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts