Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
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imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.