I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
You Might Also Like
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.