I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
You Might Also Like
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.