Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
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Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
You’ll be OK
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.