“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
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If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever