Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
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No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
#Caturday
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed