Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
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Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Please do it!
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.