Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
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When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
My plans: 2020: