The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
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[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
the pigeons are already plenty salty
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Had to try this trend 😊
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Lmao the reply