My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
You Might Also Like
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”