It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
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*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
not seeing the problem
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Feel. He’s so soft.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.