I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
You Might Also Like
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.