ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
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cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
me when I see my crush
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.