There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
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I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
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You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.