*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
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me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.