Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
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They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.