It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
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The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.