colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
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If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
for all #parents out there
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.