🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
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Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.