You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
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Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online