Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
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Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*