Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
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[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left