My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
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I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
at ease…shoulder.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
the three branches of government
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself