My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
You Might Also Like
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Krampus.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?