Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
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*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.