*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
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James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Word!
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
A double negative is a big no-no.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.