I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
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The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
#JohnTravolta
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler