Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
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*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
This was my dad’s browser history.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
DOOO EEEET
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes