You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
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eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Xylophonist Shredding It
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.