I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
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Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
need a new bf mines broken 😐
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.