For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
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why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt