People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
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i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors