Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
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I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need