AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
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No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.