Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
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3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
yall want some gasoline milk
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy