*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
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Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
this is the best day of my life
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason