If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
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[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
men are simple creatures
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver