A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
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New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.