I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
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We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Spell check is for lasers.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.