“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
You Might Also Like
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 馃グ
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.