[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
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Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.