Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
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When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.