In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
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DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
This story is comedy gold 😂
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
become ungovernable
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Never mess with a drunken pig.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead